Thursday, April 1, 2010

A PAKISTANI GIRL WRITES ABOUT HER FRIENDSHIP WITH AN INDIAN GIRL: MARIA'S BLOG: 'BEING BEST FRIENDS WITH THE ENEMY'

A PAKISTANI GIRL WRITES ABOUT HER FRIENDSHIP WITH AN INDIAN GIRL:



MARIA'S BLOG: 'BEING BEST FRIENDS WITH THE ENEMY'


"The souls are (like) an army joined (in the world of spirits) whichever souls knew each other (in that world) are attracted towards each other (in this world) and whichever remained distant and indifferent (there) are disinterested to each other (in this world)."


A friend emailed me this saying by Prophet Mohammad which absolutely fascinated me. I have always wondered why one feels an almost instantaneous attraction to certain strangers in the madding throng of human beings. How people find their "soul-mates" unexpectedly through the most random coincidences.
What would the pre-existence world to be like? Kant rejects the possibility of knowledge regarding metaphysics, asserting that without both understanding and sensibility you cannot have knowledge of the Transcendent. I admit that without sensibility, I find it very difficult to conceive of a metaphysical realm of wandering souls. Even my wildest imagination (read: understanding in Kantian terms) betrays me as my mind, effectively regimented by images from Hollywood ghost flicks, does a hackneyed job of picturing a world that possibly existed before time.
This place was a bleak expanse of space where souls drifted towards and away from each other. These peripatetic "entities" searched for similar souls, in order to communicate, to commune, to find missing parts of themselves in other spirits. And it was in this space- bereft of borders and demarcations that my lost soul met Sushmita Bose. Her liberal dispensation was reflected in her amorphous shape. Unfettered by a rigid "form", she appeared a tad more ethereal than the rest of the souls. She looked at me. My capricious spirit was drawn to her. I guess I figured she was a bit crazy like me....
However, I met Ms. Bose on this planet under radically different circumstances. I was introduced to her by my line manager (LM) on her first day at work in Khaleej Times (KT), which was roughly three days after I had started working there. She was a petite Indian, dressed in black capri pants and a casual oversized t-shirt. "Hi, I am Sushmita. I just came from the airport!" she said confidently, as she shook my hand.
A couple of days later, I found her chatting with my LM in the pantry.  As I poured water in a Styrofoam cup, I noticed her smiling at me. I responded with a courteous smile but soon observed that she was checking me out. Discomfited by her scrutiny, I awkwardly gulped down the water in one sip and scurried away from the pantry. I jumped to the conclusion that the new Features Editor of KT had a serious staring problem.
A day or two later, I found Ms. Bose in the pantry again. She appeared comfortable and garrulous in the company of old-time Indian employees of Khaleej Times. Wow, these Indians seem to flock together... she just came and look she has fitted in with them, I thought. I was hit by an odd pang of loneliness. Although there were many Pakistanis in the office, I could not imagine hanging out with even one of them. They were just not my type.
A few weeks passed and I capitulated to my innate laziness by deciding to come to office by noon instead of coming early in the morning as I initially did. The company car would pick me up from my apartment in Bur Dubai by 11 a.m. along with Ms. Bose, who was temporarily lodging at Ramada Hotel in the vicinity. During our daily journey through the traffic-clogged Sheikh Zayed Road to our office in the dusty locale of Al-Quoz, we chatted about various topics: politics, Indo-Pak rivalry, Dubai, UAE, work, past professions, our lives back home etc. Yet I always hesitated in expressing myself with candour. Convinced that Sushmita had much more in common with her fellow countrymen/women, I was sure that she did not want to genuinely befriend me. I thought that for her, an Indian, I would always be the "other" -- a girl from the wrong neighbourhood, who was good for random chit-chat but not worth getting close to.
But my perception soon changed. One day, during our routine car journey to work, we happened to talk about India's development. "Well at least your country has done better than mine! It is developing quite fast," I commented cautiously. But to my surprise, she completely bulldozed over the premature pillar of political correctness that I had just erected in our nascent friendship. "What nonsense! This India Shining is such a myth. India's development has benefited only a minority," she strongly asserted. She went on to passionately speak about the contradictions of economic development in her country while I listened intently. So she was not the I-love-my-Incredible-India, Pakistan-is-my-personal-enemy and Kashmir-is-ours-Jai-Hind sort, I thought with relief. In fact, she was the antithesis of it. She was perspicacious and intelligent; with an incisive wit and a great capacity for critical self-reflection.
Later on, I realized that Ms. Bose was as further away from political correctness as one could be. One day after failing to communicate properly with a Malayali designer at work, I turned to her to vent my frustration. "They don't know English and their language is so strange!" I whined. But I regretted saying those words the second I blurted them out. After all Sushmita, too, was an Indian. I feared that she would dislike the failure to culturally cope up with her compatriots. But again, she surprised me. "Yes their language is quite a tongue twister!" she remarked and then babbled some gibberish to mimic the Malayalam language. I laughed, relieved to find out that she was actually a cool person without any hang-ups.
So this was how a strong camaraderie, which barely witnessed a day's break in nine months, was established between a girl from Lahore and a chick from Delhi. This is how two women from opposite sides of the Indo-Pak border, stuck in the lonely city of Dubai without their better halves, mutually sought comfort in gossip, conversation and cinema.
One reason why we clicked so well was because we hated and liked the same people, regardless of their nationality. And we both were indifferent to attempts by fellow countrymen/women to befriend us by using the trite nationality card. She was warned by a certain Indian at our workplace not to "trust Pakis" while a Bangladeshi photographer tried to find common ground with her on the basis of their common Bengali heritage. Similarly, lecherous Pakistani men at work often approached me with the not-so tempting proposition of a ‘friendship'.
As we eschewed membership in ad-hoc national and ethnic fraternities/sororities at work, we both realized something deeply important: nationality is irrelevant in determining the potential for a meaningful friendship. The horizon of genuine friendship lies far beyond a few common denominators of nationality, skin colour, language and ethnicity.
Nevertheless, I am utterly averse to the rather contrived notion that Indians and Pakistanis "are the same people" who were separated by evil ploys of native politicians in collusion with the British decades ago. I and Sushmita are not the same people; we are in fact radically different individuals coming from distinct worlds. But the disparity between our backgrounds has given us the opportunity to learn, adopt and adapt to each other's cultural baggage. She introduced me to Bengali cinema and I got her hooked onto Pakistani food. She educated me on journalism in Delhi and I enlightened her on political Islam in Pakistan.
Plus, the institution of friendship -- which is supposed to make us evolve into more open, tolerant individuals -- would be quite meaningless if it was bereft of debate and discussion. Hence, I feel that the repartee of arguments and counter-arguments that we engage in while shopping for groceries at Spinneys, dodging fast cars on Mankhool road and "chilling out" over weekends have helped us evolve into more considerate human beings. Ms Bose in many ways is like Nietzsche's dream-child; she is liberal, agnostic and westernized. I, on the other hand, have a bit of everything - liberalism, conservatism, religiosity -- in me. Our ideas clash, ever so often, but our minds have always been receptive to divergent views. And therefore we have found a middle-ground of sorts; she often, albeit sheepishly, asks me pray for her while I have become far less judgmental than I used to be.
Back at home in Pakistan, India possesses the paradoxical status of the enemy state as well as the culturally similar neighbour.  Ironically enough, in the neutral multi-cultural setting of Dubai, Sushmita, my purported Indian "enemy" lives only two buildings away from me! And yet, my "neighbor-foe" is also my best friend.  The contradiction inherent in these multiple categories -- this simultaneous dynamic of negative and positive, of repulsion and attraction -- shows that national and religious classifications based on difference fail to capture the complexity of human relationships.
So now I feel the need to actively assert my character as an individual in a global environment, instead of merely relying on religious and national denominations to define myself. Yes, I am a Pakistan and a Muslim. But I am also an avid cheese-cake lover; I believe that my obsession with soft mounds of cream cheese layered on crisp biscuit crust constitutes an integral part of my personality. And for me, Sushmita is an Indian, an agnostic and a Woody Allen movie fan. Our views on religion collide head-on, and our national identities seemingly contradict. Nevertheless, my cheese-cake mania and her love for Woody Allen movies gel seamlessly together. (Toss in two cups of Darjeeling tea and the combination is surely a sinful treat!)
And this is how I and Sushmita connect as individuals; as people who like Hollywood classics and calorific sweets. And as people who miss home and try to recreate it together in Dubai. And although it seems too soon for our friendship to be relegated to the virtual world of e-mail and chat messages, I have a strange gut feeling that we will soon meet again...
She prepared to exit the world of souls.  I asked her where she was going.
"To the other place," she replied.
"Will I ever see you again?" I asked her in a dejected tone.
She smiled mysteriously.
"We will meet again in the other world. But it will be different from this one; it will be a fragmented world. There will be territories, borders and partitions. And other people will try to determine who we are and where we go..but you and I will still find each other just like we did in this place.."
After uttering those words, she vanished.
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From arvind

June 21, 2009 4:43 PM
Nice one. But the nicer thing is that we get a few interesting insights into YOUR personality Sush! Best of luck Maria and hope to see you in India someday!

From Mayank

June 21, 2009 4:51 PM
WOW! Dunno why I feel so, but today you touched a new height! So much of emotions perfectly shown in few perfect words! Look what genuine emotions do to you.. Mazzaaa a gaya!

From awara

June 21, 2009 6:56 PM
very touching indeed. long live your friendship!!

From Sandhya

June 21, 2009 11:26 PM
So true that real bonding doesnt take into account nationality, language or religion. Ultimately, its the triumph of the human spirit. I felt very nostalgic reading this piece, reminded me of my friends who are still in Bangalore. Hope ur friendship lives forever, this was very touching. It is a lesson on how much we can, as good human beings, achieve in these times of divisiveness and stress.

From Abhishek

June 21, 2009 11:44 PM
Cldn't agree more with Maria on how kind a soul you are...Even though our meeting lasted for a much lesser time than what it took me to read this, I can vouch for every good word Maria wrote about you... just hope that I am able to catch you some day soon (but not on a Thursday :P)...

From Abhiroop

June 22, 2009 3:31 AM
What an absolutely lovely piece. Long Live India. Long Live Pakistan. A toast to yaari-dosti, to hell with nationality :)

From Dr.Spook

June 22, 2009 10:02 AM
its probably just me but isnt this essay by Maria much too sugary and senti? people meet, make a connection and part all the time. maybe i am just too cynical & jaded but such stuff is not my cup of tea

From ani

June 22, 2009 10:43 AM
there is a saying that u do not need a mirror if u have good friends by ur side. after reading this even i felt very uncomfortable. so touching.

From Handsome Brian

June 22, 2009 10:54 AM
@ Dr Spook: I fear that you are indeed too “cynical & jaded”. Allow us old romantics to indulge in such “sugary and senti” feelings. You obviously don’t know the two ladies in question here. “Amorphous” Sush (huh? You kidding?) and drop-dead-gorgeous Maria (except, of course, that Sush is also DDG) were the epitome of where it is at in the KT newsroom. Moths around a flame. (How can you blame the “lecherous Pakistanis” for trying their luck, Maria?) A bastion of common sense, straight talking and good humour. I well remember the time when I was taken to the Daily Restaurant by these two ladies (OK, I did the driving – the “scenic route” crossing countless lanes of heavy traffic, according to Sush’s pedestrian-led instructions). Stunning looks and delightful conversation (the ladies weren’t so bad either!) marked our formica-covered table as THE hottest spot in the entire restaurant. Three “common enemies” sitting together – except they were the most delightful company one could wish for. Discussions on international politics, sex-before-marriage, work gossip, food, you name it…there was simply not a quiet moment the entire evening. The two girls were perfect foils for one another. A meeting of minds on an equal wavelength. A delight to experience. Sush is indeed losing a good friend. We’ll all miss you Maria. And yes, Dr Spook. I’d suggest you try changing your brand of tea.

From Sandhya

June 22, 2009 11:23 AM
@Brian, thats incredibly well said. After reading your bit, I'd love to have met these two ladies (along with you!). Maybe some day, I can live in hope, cant I? These days common sense, humour and straight talk are ingredients that are missing in our technology-ridden lives and soulless existences. @Dr Spook, you need genuine friends and laughter; I am sure you change your views on life after that! Good luck!

From rk

June 22, 2009 11:56 AM
tears in my eyes literally!!!!!! I wonder why we parted on the basis of head count of religion.Was that fate or something that could not be avoided. Having fear and hatred in one's heart no one can survive and nor do we neighbors. Like Mr vajpayee said we could change the history but not the geography..and the fact is that Pakistan was , is and will be our neighbour. Love it or hate it but we can not ignore it and that is why yesterday, though I did not celebrate the victory of Pakistan in T20 world cup final but the sense of having the world cup in our neighbourhood gave me the that feeling, I could not describe. long live your friendship Sush..I wish to have a nice friend (pakistani) like yours.

From Dr.Spook

June 22, 2009 12:24 PM
Brian - ok alright will take ur word for it but i find it hard to care for ppl i dont know and have never met - especially on the small stuff like one of them moving to a new place. Been there done that too many times to remember now. Sandhya - u assumed i dont have genuine friends and laughter. u have no idea how far off u are.

From Greasy Individual

June 22, 2009 12:40 PM
Did you become best friends before the threesome or after the threesome?

From decoy

June 22, 2009 12:42 PM
After reading this article i got some questions in my mind, 1. was it so that Mari was able to consider you as a friend after you told that india is no better than Pakistan and all this development (if any ) is just a hype. You dont feel for kashmir, and dont feel bad about that pakistan is trying level best to pus terrorism to country and so on. Was that the comforting words which made her to think that u are a foriegner, and not an indian who think, to some extend pakistan has got some hand in india's problems? Anyways the article is nice and it shows your personality and your views and how you talk about India when u are abroad, though nothing wrong in that :)

From decoy

June 22, 2009 12:43 PM
After reading this article i got some questions in my mind, 1. was it so that Mari was able to consider you as a friend after you told that india is no better than Pakistan and all this development (if any ) is just a hype. You dont feel for kashmir, and dont feel bad about that pakistan is trying level best to pus terrorism to country and so on. Was that the comforting words which made her to think that u are a foriegner, and not an indian who think, to some extend pakistan has got some hand in india's problems? Anyways the article is nice and it shows your personality and your views and how you talk about India when u are abroad, though nothing wrong in that :)

From sushmita

June 22, 2009 1:54 PM
GI: Long before the threesome -- I can tell you this since I now know who you are!

From sushmita

June 22, 2009 1:56 PM
Decoy: It's sad that all u can think of is that the state equals its citizens. Goes to show that for some of us, borders and barriers will never be broken down.

From sushmita

June 22, 2009 2:00 PM
Abhishek & Brian: how kind you people are :D Brian, for this, I will initiate you into the pleasures of some more Pakistani food tomorrow; Abhishek, you have to wait till u come to Dubai next time: I've hit pay dirt with paki food.

From Dr.Spook

June 22, 2009 2:01 PM
rofl Greasy Individual. interesting observations decoy although i dont think maria meant it that way

From Handsome Brian

June 22, 2009 2:23 PM
>>Sush: Will await such pleasures tomorrow with anticipation. And remimnd me to take YOU to a curry house with a difference which I am SURE you will not have come across. >>Decoy: Why is it that some people cannot accept true friendship for what it is rather than try to taint with politics. As I'm sure someone famous must have said: It's a sad fact that it doesn't matter who you vote for... the politicians always get in.

From P Rahul Sankruthya

June 22, 2009 5:01 PM
Amazing post.. But one thing (hope you and your friend don't get offended) - I never knew that a Pakistani can write so beautifully. Sorry for my ignorance... but what to do when we hear pakistani (or for that matter.. srilankan) cricketers speak such an amazing English, I always wondered "Is there atleast one English medium school in whole of Pakistan?". I know I can't pose such a question, considering a very small sample set. Even I had moments when friends with who I shared my most happy moments left for their pursuits in their lives. You know the saddest thing in my case - not even a single bugger wrote such a beautiful thing to me. :(

From sushmita

June 22, 2009 5:38 PM
Rahul, LOL, I wonder what Maria will have to say to this! There are many English medium schools in Pak, and they follow O levels and A levels. So instead of saying Xth or XIIth like we do, Maria always says O levels and A levels - it's pretty unnerving!

From sushmita

June 22, 2009 5:52 PM
Mayank: I just saw ur msg, but my chat is disabled. I'm soooo happy that u liked it!

From SoDa

June 22, 2009 7:30 PM
Dr Spook : brava! I would tell, I was a bit ambivalent at this senti stuff, just because she is moving closer to home. Heck isn't S'pore closer to India than Dubai? Or for that matter Lahore? You know, What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.

From sushmita

June 22, 2009 9:16 PM
SoDa: u must have been THE problem child for ur geography teacher. how many times did u fail in the subject? i suspect every time. Singapore is closer -- than Dubai -- to where YOU stay, but that's abt it. As for Lahore, it's more than double the (probably triple) the distance than Dubai. i hope u are not as way off the mark when u advise others on the algorithms of stock-broking :D

From SoDa

June 22, 2009 10:01 PM
Sush: Ouch! Yeow! Padho dhyaan se, ae abla naari... comment karne ke chakkar mein kuch ulta seedha na leekh do... Lahore is closer to India than Dubai... I meant :)

From Mishty

June 23, 2009 10:32 AM
Simply put it's a beautiful post. And i sympathise with you sush, i know the awful void a close friend's move can make :( And i would really like to know whether Maria's last lines are froma book (in that case - which one?) or if they were her own? They are the most touching! And SoDa: Sush - the abla naari ????!!! hehhehe dont think so :)

From Rose

June 23, 2009 11:17 AM
@sush- beautifully worded...and such a perfect example of friendship breaking all borders & boundaries,having no limits nor being confined...pak food is excellent and heavenly for non-vegetarians..reminded me of my pak neighbours in Scotland..they were warm,vivacious and helpful and food was a common bond on Sundays wit a huge potluck..I love the ending of Maria's postcard- it's just like an Aparna Sen movie- mysterious and vague yet beautifully put (dunno if u v watched 15th Park Avenue).. @mayank - talkin bout cricketers- some of the Indian guys are hilarious and makes the rest of wonder whether they actually went to school or skipped it!!

From sushmita

June 23, 2009 12:52 PM
Mishty: that's what I asked Maria when she sent me the piece -- from where she picked up those lines, coz I really liked them. She wrote them herself, and I was most touched.

From Bheela Wadehra

June 23, 2009 12:59 PM
I wish I could meet her too. Sushmita, it was written very well. No wonder you two superb writers (DDGs in Brian lingo) became close friends. UAE is one of those places where ex-pats can easily become friends in spite of relations between their home countries.

From SoDa

June 23, 2009 1:17 PM
Mishty: ;)

From SoDa

June 23, 2009 1:19 PM
Sush, Mishty The last lines are heavily inspired from "Illusions"... Richard Bach, thy rock! As Maria, if she has read Illusions.

From decoy77

June 23, 2009 4:10 PM
i didnt think that state equals citizens so on. "So she was not the I-love-my-Incredible-India, Pakistan-is-my-personal-enemy and Kashmir-is-ours-Jai-Hind sort, I thought with relief. In fact, she was the antithesis of it" this statment made me to post a question like that :)

From sushmita

June 23, 2009 4:53 PM
decoy: thanks for setting the record straight :)

From Akansha

June 23, 2009 4:54 PM
What a lovely, lovely post! Tears in my eyes. God bless everyone.

From ghumakkad

June 23, 2009 5:18 PM
Ms. Bose, I really can't comment on this blog as such coz. I really donno either lady well :-) but going by my exp. an Indian and a Pakistani genreally share very good vibes when on the soil of a Third country but things are somewhat different when one in country of the other. I donno Y is it so? Is it coz. when in a Third country they see much in common with each other but when in the country of the other ( i.e Indian in Pakistan or Pakistani in India) somethig wrong with the fizza? of course, there are exceptions but then.......

From sushmita

June 23, 2009 5:47 PM
Ghumakkad: That's a very relevant point. I had quite a few misconceptions about Pakistanis -- thanks to utter ignorance combined with a certain amount of disinterest. I am sure if I'd met Maria in India, I would have liked her just as much, but would such a scenario have been possible? Would a Pakistani girl have come and worked in India -- or an Indian worked in Pakistan? I don't think so. In Dubai, because it's a neutral ground, and both of us are 'foreigners' or 'outsiders' the connection is so much faster and spontaneous.

From sushmita

June 23, 2009 5:50 PM
SoDa: u live in a world of illusions.

From pawandeep

June 23, 2009 6:20 PM
Sushmita, when you wrote about Maria first time in that blog on fitness centre, I remember I was the first one to say that it seems your pakistani friend is "fussy" type of girl. But the way she was described your personality, it is simply amazing. Now, I am complelled to say that she isn't a fussy but she is a girl of principle. I am sure, in Maria you have found a friend for life.

From pawandeep

June 23, 2009 6:22 PM
Sushmita, it is very disappointing, that the old participants on this blog ( Bheela, Simer, Anand, AB, ADG etc) are not posting their comments these days.

From sushmita

June 23, 2009 6:37 PM
Pawandeep: Bheela has posted... but even I was wondering what's happened to the rest of them... maybe they've found greener pastures :(

From Mayank

June 23, 2009 7:02 PM
Sush, my pleasure. And sush being the abla naari? ye to humko abla kardegi with such b'ful posts ;)

From sahil

June 23, 2009 8:03 PM
I can't help but remembering a golden oldie from Bollywood... Jeevan ke safar mein rahi /Milte hain bhichar jaane ko /Aur de jaate hain yaadein /Tanhaayi mein tadpaane ko. But I hope you two will keep meeting each other every now and then.

From SoDa

June 23, 2009 11:15 PM
Sush: Hey, come straight :P , checking out Maria over pantry doesn't count as being that :)

From Bheela

June 24, 2009 1:00 AM
Pawamdeep - thanks for asking - I wrote my full name probably that is why u could not place my post. Well, you are right, some of the earlier participants are missing - The good news is that Sushmita is getting newer 'commenters' in her every new post! Which is a very good sign! Keep it up Sush.

From sushmita

June 24, 2009 12:51 PM
thanks Bheela :)

From K Mathur

June 24, 2009 3:15 PM
One of my daughter's close friends is Chinese. Again, the common denominator - they were in a third country, neither India nor China. They were at school together and the friendship has lasted. Interesting how the world has changed - might add, for the better.

From pawandeep

June 24, 2009 9:31 PM
Yes, Bhella I thought Bhella Wadhera, was different. I wonder, why Brian has started writing as Handsome Brian....? Has he suddenly found himself Handsome in company of Sushmita. I think since he returned from the India trip, he has started writing Handsome Brian.

From Simer

June 26, 2009 3:38 AM
Have been silent for a while - however, wanted to share with you all that the legend 'Michael Jackson' is dead. He died at age 50 & is survived by three children: Michael Joseph Jackson, Jr., Paris Michael Katherine Jackson and Prince "Blanket" Michael Jackson II.

From awara

June 26, 2009 7:07 AM
and as mark antony said, "what one ...". it is amazing how such creative people have an equally potentially destructive side. can't imagine how he slumped in the last decade...i can still recall his dominaton of the grammy's in the 80s along with the vivid pix of his subsequent decline...

From RDX

June 27, 2009 12:26 PM
Lowering of guards holds the key,it seems, coupled with the fact that majority of us feel proud to indulge in India bashing in front world to prove our credential as liberal indians. Bheela are you ex FDIPL ?

From Bheela

June 27, 2009 2:10 PM
RDX: Yes from 2001-2004. Now with CCC at Abu Dhabi. Who u?

From Soham

June 27, 2009 3:50 PM
RDX: So true, so true...

From Dilbir

July 8, 2009 2:17 PM
Amazing ,really nice!!!! Even i wonder on the strangeness of the concept of meeting the soulmates.How two distinct personalities,complete strangers fall for each other and decide to be togeather for the rest of their lives. Strance but good!!!!

From Imran Maqbool

July 21, 2009 11:52 AM
Hey guess what, I accidently hit your blog. It is a pleasant discovery. As for postcard from Pakistan, I am a witness to their developing friendship during my breif stint at KT. I just want to share a famous saying: "You are the same today as you'll be in five years except for two things, the books you read and the people you meet." cheers Susmita & Maria. Wish you both a promising life. Imran

From Jose Joseph

July 23, 2009 1:41 PM
I may be wrong, but y i get a feeling most of the comments are posted by KT jurno itself. Well anyway, its interesting to read after all in India we hardly get our own guys writing comments on our own articles.. well i too am a jurno as forex correspondent

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